I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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