People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
