I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
