i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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