She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
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