I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
