i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
