There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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