I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
