eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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