bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
