i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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