tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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