why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
My bed smells like the plague
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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