I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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