Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Randomize
