Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
