life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
