Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
