Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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