I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
