literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
