I can't watch pbs sober anymore
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize