I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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