Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
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