I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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