I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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