Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize