I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I AM VODKA MAN
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
