the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize