watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
