This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Text me some of your sweat
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
