oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
