If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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