that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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