she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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