I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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