Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
We need to rekindle our bromance
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
