I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
