Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
