well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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