Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
