what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
