So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
