We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
a search helicopter?!
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize