i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
