Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
