: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I didn't notice because vodka
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
