i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
