I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
