in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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