You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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