I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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