Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
