I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
